The Power of a Badge.....

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE !

The rest of the story....

Statutory rape

Signs from the break room

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
And she tried too, first with both hands, then an

Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
Her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
Neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
The jar open.'

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life,

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called .........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.


The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.


It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.

A blond said, 'I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.'

As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way.

NOW GO HAVE A GOOOOD DAY.......

HOW TO INSTALL A “Southern” HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back
in an hour.. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman
this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but
it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of
'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

Smile

Retirement

Amoore

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Lets take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon..

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

I really think we have found a Perfect Solution!

The Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled:
YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE
He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now
on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is
Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of lovin that I want. Afterwords, you are going to draw me a bath so
I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my
robe. After which, you will massage my feet and hands..

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, 'The fricken' funeral director would be my first guess.'

The Irish Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car...

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

The Gynecologist

A middle-aged woman

Seemed sheepish as she

Visited the gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,

'you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'

The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were five pence pieces in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink-plink, and there were ten pence pieces and this morning there were twenty pence pieces !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder..
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)


'You're simply going through the change!

Just for fun

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.


She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.


He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.


As they walked through the ape exhibit,


they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.


Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.


He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.


He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.


The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.


He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her


straps fall to show a little more skin.


She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.


'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.


Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.




'Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.'