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Retirement

Amoore

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Lets take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon..

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

I really think we have found a Perfect Solution!

The Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled:
YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE
He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now
on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is
Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of lovin that I want. Afterwords, you are going to draw me a bath so
I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my
robe. After which, you will massage my feet and hands..

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, 'The fricken' funeral director would be my first guess.'

The Irish Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car...

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

The Gynecologist

A middle-aged woman

Seemed sheepish as she

Visited the gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,

'you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'

The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were five pence pieces in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink-plink, and there were ten pence pieces and this morning there were twenty pence pieces !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder..
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
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(Ready for this?)


'You're simply going through the change!